


The Only Constant

by parka_girl



Category: Block B
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-09
Updated: 2015-10-09
Packaged: 2018-04-25 14:40:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4964563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parka_girl/pseuds/parka_girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A world in which Jaehyo has anxiety (and isn't in a band).</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Only Constant

**Author's Note:**

> While there is a relationship, the OMC isn't really developed and isn't necessarily the focus of the story.

Jaehyo knows he's different, he's known this from the moment he was aware of himself. He feel miserable, sick to his stomach most of the time. He wants to never leave his house, to hide himself away until … until forever, really. But he doesn't. 

He has friends who won't let him. They go out of their way to invite him to things, they call him, pick him up at his house. They drive when he won't, they take the train when he doesn't want to be alone. They don't let him not do things, they tell him he'll regret it if he doesn't go. 

At first this used to bother him. He would get upset and angry, telling them he didn't need a reason not to go or do something or whatever. And while often that was the case ("You don't like Harry Potter? Why?" and "I don't know, I just don't."), he knew he was just letting his anxiety win. 

He remembers being little and throwing tantrums whenever he was asked to do something he didn't want to do. He didn't know, nor did his parents, that he was scared because it was anxiety. He didn't know that there were plenty of people who felt just like he did. Even now sometimes he has a hard time believing it. 

But at some point something changed. Maybe it was through the help of his friends, maybe it was because he wanted to change, he wasn't sure. But there was a point when he realized that he could do things. That even though he wanted to be sick, that he had the feeling this was a terrible idea, he could _still do it_. It was strangely liberating to push through all the anxiety and come out on the other side and have a good time. 

His first boyfriend pushed him before he was ready and they had far too many fights about Jaehyo wanting to stay in. He wasn't ready and his boyfriend didn't understand this, he didn't understand Jaehyo's anxiety. It was too much for both of them, which in the end Jaehyo had to explain. He didn't do the breaking up, the boyfriend did, but it sucked for both of them. Jaehyo had a harder time than ever getting out the door for work, but he did. 

It was in the midst of his recovery from that relationship that his friends decided he needed help. They didn't say as much to him, they knew him better than that. But they hinted, they pestered, they made him see that he could do it. Once the door opened, once he could step outside, Jaehyo felt he could do anything. 

Sure, he still wanted to stay in his apartment with the door locked and the TV on, but he didn't. He used to think it was because he felt he was always missing out on things, and maybe that was a tiny part of it, but there was something more, something bigger. He wasn't even worried about being left behind or left out, he was tired of watching his life pass him by without even being involved in it. He was tired of hiding. 

Even now, it's still easier to just say no. He wished it wasn't. He wished it'd gotten easier as the years pass, but it doesn't. He googled once and found that sometimes people grow out of their anxiety. He knew, though, he wasn't one of those people. Instead, he just dealt with it because there were things he wanted to do, places he wanted to go, people he wanted to see. And if he let his anxiety rule him, he'd never be able to do them. And so he began to do away with regret. He couldn't do everything, but looking at his friends he realized that neither could they. Almost all of them had anxiety about something or other, they just hid it better. He didn't feel so alone. 

His second boyfriend had anxiety like Jaehyo. He thought this was going to be the best sort of relationship. They had just enough in common, including anxiety, that Jaehyo felt they understood each other. And for most of the year they dated, it worked out well. They went out occasionally, to the movies, to dinner, out with friends. They even went to concerts. And Jaehyo still hung out with his other friends, going out more than he ever had. 

He was happy for the first time in a long time. But it didn't last and looking back, Jaehyo realized he'd misread the signs. He hadn't understood that his anxiety was not the same as his boyfriend's - or maybe it was the same and that was part of the problem. The other problem was the dramatically different ways they dealt with their anxieties. 

Jaehyo had gone on a long weekend with some of his friends. They'd gone to New Zealand, on a group tour that none of them really enjoyed, but they'd had a really great time, regardless. The lead up to the trip made Jaehyo so sick he thought multiple times about backing out -- even after the time to get his money back had passed. He'd bitched to his boyfriend, stressed out, spent too much time in the bathroom. But on the day of the flight he was there, packed and ready to go, even though he felt miserable. 

His boyfriend had asked, multiple times why he was going if it was making him feel so miserable. Jaehyo had shrugged and said it was because he wanted to go. His boyfriend had just stared at him and later, looking back, Jaehyo wondered if that was the beginning of the end. He had, of course, invited his boyfriend along. They'd been dating ten months, more than long enough to go on a vacation like this. But his boyfriend gracefully declined, explaining he had work stuff to do. Jaehyo had blindly bought that excuse and didn't press the issue. 

Instead, they'd talked about how they'd move in together when he got back. Jaehyo was happy and in love and in spite of the shitty tour, they had so much fun. He was on the phone with one of his friends when he finally got home. They were already planning their next trip, possibly to Singapore. Jaehyo could already feel his stomach twisting, but he didn't care. 

He was in the midst of discussing what they should do in Singapore when he opened the door. He chattered away excitedly into the phone and that's when he met his boyfriend's gaze. He was staring at Jaehyo as though he didn't know him. Jaehyo made his excuses and stared, confused, at his boyfriend. 

They didn't talk about it, not then, instead they spent the next month not talking about it. Jaehyo tried not to let it bother him, but he wasn't good at that kind of thing and after a month, when they didn't talk about what was bothering his boyfriend or the fact that their moving into together didn't seem likely to happen anytime soon, Jaehyo had had enough. He wanted to talk about it, he needed to talk about it, but he wasn't sure how. He knew his boyfriend was going to be upset, hell, Jaehyo himself was already upset, but he had to bring it up. 

The fight was awful and Jaehyo felt sick through all of it. But in the end, it was the boyfriend in tears and not Jaehyo. He was uncomprehending, at first. His boyfriend couldn't understand how he could be planning another vacation. Wasn't one enough, he'd asked. Jaehyo had stared at him, shocked. Didn't he regret not doing things, he asked? His boyfriend had stared at him again, fear in his eyes and then he was crying. 

Later, after the fight, but before they were officially broken up, Jaehyo had replayed parts of their argument in his head, trying to understand. He called one of his friends, a girl he'd known for ages, one who'd gone to New Zealand with him and their other friends. She invited him out to coffee, sat him down and explained that he was being a jerk. 

"Noona." Jaehyo started, but she held up a hand. 

"You know he has anxiety. You _know_ he doesn't like going out and doing the things you like to do." She began. 

Jaehyo interrupted her. "I don't like doing that stuff, either!"

She laughed softly, smiling at him. "Yeah, but you do it anyway." 

Jaehyo opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He stared at her, taken aback. And then the wheels started to turn in his head and he realized that she was right. And not only was she right, but he'd been looking at the world as if everyone with anxiety was like he was. He was different all right, he thought, but not in the way he'd always believed. 

"Fuck." He whispered. 

She laughed again and reached across the table and patted his hand. 

"Noona, I have to break up with him." He said, quietly. 

She nodded and squeezed his hand before pulling hers back. "He'll be okay, I'm sure." 

"I … I must've made him so miserable." He thought about all the times he'd pushed his boyfriend to do things that made him feel uncomfortable, all the times he'd ignored his boyfriends protests. They were weak, but still, he'd been such an asshole. 

They finished their coffee and Jaehyo texted his boyfriend. He decided he needed to end it sooner than later, if only because it was better not to draw things out. He showed up at his boyfriend's flat, nervous, feeling sick and thought about how much easier it would be to just say nothing. He refused. 

They didn't fight this time. They both cried. His boyfriend yelled a little, saying how could Jaehyo expect him to do all this stuff. He confessed that he thought Jaehyo was a little nuts and that he couldn't, didn't, understand how Jaehyo functioned. Jaehyo, in turn, explained that he didn't know how he did it either, but there was rarely another choice. He did it because if he didn't, he would regret it. And that, of course, wasn't an option. 

Their breakup, in the end, was mutual. They were destined not to work out, Jaehyo thought. It was ending before it began, only Jaehyo had deluded himself into thinking that their similarities would be a bond. Instead, it was more of a wedge, driving them unconsciously apart. 

Jaehyo didn't want to be alone, but being single meant freedom. It meant he could push through his anxiety alone or with other people -- it was his choice. It meant that he could do (or not do) things as he saw fit. And while sometimes there were things he just couldn't do, those were out numbered by the things he _could_ do. 

Sometimes he'd see his boyfriend, who'd moved on, and Jaehyo would think about what their life was, before they broke up. He'd been happy, but he hadn't realized just what happiness was until he'd adjusted his worldview. He felt better able to understand people. He knew, often, when to push and when to hold back. And he knew himself a little better than before. He'd grown and changed, even though he hated change. Because in the end it wasn't change he hated, it was the process, the lead up, the anticipation. The reward, Jaehyo knew, was almost always worth it.


End file.
